Epiphany

I've had an epiphany. I was watching Oprah Tuesday, and her show was about women who had trouble with self-hatred. She had 3 different women as guests, one was an anorexic who weighed 80 lbs, one an over-eater who had gained over 100 lbs, and a stay-at-home-mom who said that she felt like she didn't deserve all the nice things she had and felt like "trash."

I didn't really identify with any of the guests, but the talk that Oprah and Robin gave about negative self-talk and self-hatred struck home. Between that, and a book by the Flylady called Body Clutter that I've been reading, I've come to realize something.

I am a champion of negative self-talk. I look in the mirror, and instantly see things I don't like about myself. My skin isn't clear, my hair doesn't look like I would like it to, I'm overweight, my thighs are too big, my boobs sag....it goes on and on. And just so that I don't run out of things to beat myself up over, I turn to the side to get my profile, and to the back to look over my shoulder, and the list of complaints continues.

I've always said that I didn't like my appearance, but I didn't dislike it enough to do something about it. But I've also wondered, why couldn't I put more stock in the things that really mattered? Why did I hear negative things in my head, instead of things like, "I'm a good mom, I'm a good wife, I'm intelligent, I'm giving, I'm a good friend..." Why do I value those things so little when it comes to my self image?

So I had a little epiphany. And it's helped so far. I realized that this negative self talk was learned from my mom. She's an incredible example of how not to talk to yourself. If she cooks something (which is always delicious), as she puts it on the table, she says "I doubt this will be any good." If you give her a compliment, she often says "Oh, yeah, right, but thanks anyway." So I grew up with that. And learned that's the way to talk to yourself.

The problem with negative self talk is that it kills any love and self-worth that you have. It makes you always put yourself last in any relationship, and makes you believe that you don't deserve the nice things in your life. I have put off getting my hair done. I know that I felt so much better when I had cute hair, but I've told myself that we just can't afford it. Well, we can afford for me to have my hair cut, so that I feel better about myself. That's the truth. Before, I just didn't think I deserved it.

So, after all that, here's my epiphany: I realized that I would never, ever, talk to my son, or my husband, or even some stranger on the street, the way I talk to myself. I would never tell my husband "God, you look awful, you're so fat!" Never in a million years! I would never tell my son, even though he's only 1, "You're so stupid!" No! Not acceptable! In most cases, I wouldn't speak to my dog the way I speak to myself.

So, why is this ok? Well, it isn't! And it must stop! So, I'm training myself to speak kindly to myself. To remember that I am a role model for Paul, and that I don't want him to grow up thinking he's worthless. Because he isn't. No one is.